Mochalight's space

Happy New Year!!!

I know I’m 8 days late, but I’ve been busy.. It has taken me 8 days to figure out what most declare on the 31^st.  I have never done resolutions.  A resolution is something that you make when making simple changes hasn’t worked.  Or when you’ve done something, and it bites you in the ass so you decide to quit doing it…on the 31^st.  It takes me a couple of days to just back and say ok where am I going this year. 

Last year

Disclaimer:  These statements are about me… it in no way is meant to cast a shadow on my better half …lol..

I was Newly married and had no clue what the year would bring, hell I wasn’t steering it.  I think I was in lala land looking out a window, and my car just happened to stay in the street…  A lot of things happened that I wish wouldn’t have.  I LEARNED a hell of a lot in my 1^st year in marriage.  I found myself towards the middle of the year and realized that just because I was NEW doesn’t mean I needed to be lead by the hand.  Sometimes, when something is so new and so uninhibited, you tend to automatically take the passenger seat especially when the driver has driven on that road before.  You take that drivers opinions of that road and you adjust yourself to what is “natural”.  Instead of taking the wheel and just driving, I found myself questioning every movement as if it were wrong.  Even if it felt right…..

If you have followed me for awhile, you KNOW I love analogies… it makes things simple.  And if you know me you know I like simple.  NO ONE reads the manual to a car or new phone when they get it… We just cut “it” on.. and we try and figure “it” out ourselves…and based on the past or what we remember others doing we pretty much guess on what to do and what not to do… We all know where the manual is, we all know right and wrong way of doing things… the only time we go to a manual is when “it” breaks or does something abnormal… Now two things can happen when “it” malfunctions… You can say oh well and get a new one…. Even though you’ve invested time, emotion, energy, and money into “it”…. Or you fix “it”…. My air bag went off…my phone refused to send signals…lol… and…Well I had to go to the manual… my personality is one that I hate failure..I like being able to show that I managed to keep something working.

Example:   I have a 97 Grand Jeep Cherokee.. body is in good condition… inside looks brand new… because I put work into it… it runs smooth…  one morning it wouldn’t start.. transmission was gone… now everyone around me had newer cars, and of course car notes… so the minute they heard me say I needed a new transmission they said… you should save that $3000 and use it as a down payment on a new car… you have great credit… that’s what I would do… Not once thinking 11yrs still looks like new… first major problem ever had… fix it…

Anyway… I had some old ways that I brought into my new life… I have a habit of shutting down when ever I feel like it…I go into my own little world and shutting everyone else out… When I was told that these old ways weren’t healthy in my marriage… my defenses went up and my stubborn nature took over… and I basically ignored the problem… Bad Idea I know that NOW… I’m not ashamed to say that I didn’t feel communication was that important in marriage.. Especially when I felt like that’s the only part of me I could control…  What I learned is that marriage isn’t about controlling the other person.  It’s about adapting and merging… coinciding and evolving…nurturing and protecting… loving and communicating… BUT… it’s also about being able to keep ones identity… If you can’t be yourself.. you definitely can’t be happy… So after reading the manual… I realized a lot about myself… and a lot about my marriage… I found out what makes me happy and that just because you’ve been on a road before doesn’t mean the experience will be the same the second time… I’ve said it before I felt like the beginning of my marriage I was quoting one of Shakespeare’s plays…Screaming “Out damn spot out”… No matter how much you want to rid yourself of the past… it is what it is… the past… you can paint over it… you can out perform it… you can not speak of it… it will always be part of you… The easiest way to control it… is acknowledging… understanding.. and over looking… it… and continue living…

Don’t get me I’m not blaming the driver.  It’s natural to avoid bumps that you’ve felt before, to not allow short cuts because of past mishaps, or to disregard new directions because they may seem unfamiliar.  It’s quite natural to try to stay two steps ahead of what made you fail the first time… I think this year WE realized that it’s a lesson… We have learned from mistakes and now we live…

This Year

I am continuing the stride I started.  I will not let 08 determine my life in 09… I openly would like to experience new problems… I encourage new fights… I look forward to new outcomes… I acknowledge that the past will resurface at the most unpredictable times… I understand that no one has control over this… I enjoy the fact that Katt Williams said if I had haters I’m doing something right… I willingly admit I have the greatest husband in the world.. and…. I welcome all jealousy… Hi Haters..

Peace.. and Love…

Yes...

and at first it was innocent tweets… I thought I could control myself… you know balance the two.. well four.. I know I’m a social whore.. I love new networks… and even though I have stretched myself thin… I still stay with you.. You were loyal to me.. I wrote my first blog here.. but.. It’s so addicting… the way I can just say what I feel…and instantly.. there’s a response… The fact that I talked to MCHammer, Qtip, Quest, and Luda is amazing… Vibe and Essence… I just can’t stop… and as much as I miss you.. I’m infatuated with it… Oh twitter… you have me… LMAO!!!

I promise to blog more but honestly I’ve been caught up twittering… If you haven’t joined join… it’s fun and addicting… oh and add meJ

http://www.twitter.com/mochalight

Hell to the Naw... So I watched Cadillac Records this weekend.  It is actually a decent movie.  I believe every character played the hell out of their parts… except Beyonce.  I’m sorry they could have found someone else to play Etta… And to say that this woman is Oscar Worthy…ha ha ha… Because she said “Cum Stains” and “Fuck” a lot… Nooo She is far from an Oscar worthy actress… I heard she put money behind this movie… Also heard Etta wasn’t to pleased with Beyonce playin her..

Sista Etta was a thickin… not what people call Beyonce now… That’s not thick…sorry.. I mean so yeah Beyonce is light skinned and you let her eye brows grow out… don’t mean she’s Etta… And the point of playing somebody else in a movie… you’re suppose to sound like that person… When Jamie played Ray… you heard Ray… Somebody should tell Beyonce that..

I love Lil Walter..lol… He reminded me of a throw back Mystical…lmao!!!! All in all it’s a good lil flick.. But all this BS about Beyonce being Oscar worthy…it’s just that BS!!!

It’s been a year..Wow.. Can I be honest.. Yesterday I was flooded with so many emotions.  Mostly negative… Mostly the “what I shoulda did” situations came to my mind.  Yeah in my first year of marriage I think I was set-up… I was waiting on someone to pop out and scream… Gotcha.. The whirlwind of what is suppose to be… I learned the hard way.. That in marriage there is no “suppose to be”…

Your first year of marriage is suppose to be new, fresh, uninhabited, and raw… It’s suppose to be bumpy especially when personalities are trying to mesh… The thing of it is.. I can read people very well.. I pay attention to detail and ways…I can tell you pretty much your actions before you even respond… I knew my husband before he knew me… I knew who he was… I knew his ways.. I knew he had a habit of covering up things to save face…. I knew he had female friends who wanted him… and I knew because of his “leave no enemies” personality… They would always be a problem in my life…  

Well when you go into a union with someone who has scars… and we all have scars but when they are from a previous marriage they tend to be fresher..or easily aggravated… My husband didn’t deserve the treatment he got from his first marriage… and I went into our marriage trying to fix the things that she messed-up.. Allowing certain actions because she didn’t… Basically letting my husband be a man… And not speaking up… As much as people think Ex-wives make marriage hell for the new wife… I haven’t dealt with that…

I finally can check my mail and not see shit for her… The fact that I wrote return to sender on every piece of mail that came to my house… Our mail lady even circled back around once when she saw me throw mail back in the box and lift the flag up… She laughed and said “It’ll stop soon”… and it did…

I have pretty much replaced every piece of furniture in our house.. Repainted.. planning on pulling out the sinks and tubs in both bathrooms next year and replacing them.. The back yard is getting a deck and we’re placing our hot tub in the ground… So the house we share was from his previous marriage.. And as much as people asked Why would you stay in a house that his ex lived in… Or how did he GET to keep the house… Well he kept the house because he had no reason to give it up… They both fought for it, and he ended up with it… because… My daughters school is in walking distance… the neighborhood is decent, we live in a cultisack  and our back yard is to die for….I have no reason of wanting to sale… So, I can deal with the fact that someone was there before… but trust, once I get done with it… It will be a home… not just a house were love had no place….

Back to 366… I ramble… sorry… So what was I sayin… oh.. I didn’t have to deal with the Ex… But I did have to deal with Pathetic side kicks… You know the ones that came before and during my early presence… My husband tells me all the time that I have received death wishes and hate threats… Which I can understand… How the hell can she take what I’ve put so much effort in.. those 3 hour hotel excursions meant something damnit… lol.. not.. She gets the Royal treatment and I can’t even get a meal… My husband writes me off on his taxes… He claims I am his most expensive date ever…The first year we met he showed me my name in his QuickBooks… He says I was a business expense then… now I’m a partner.. who knew…

My first year I had to find my swing.. I had a habit of bunting when there was no need... Now I’m swinging at everything… which also isn’t good but hey… I connect more than miss… I realize that the majority of my unhappiness came from me not voicing my concerns… The majority of my husbands unhappiness came from me waiting until he asked me 1000 times “what’s wrong” and then 3 days later saying.. ya know… you did this and that… My husband lives in the now.. as in Life is too short… I F’d up… we said sorrys… so lets move on… Whereas I am more of an  “I am mad… and I deserve to hold it in until it explodes” after the explosion I still want to nurse my wounds… And because I am a woman I get to bring it up repeatedly every time I get mad… That’s were we bump heads..

But 366 days later my husband knows me… he knows when I am feeling low.. he knows when I’m pissed off… and he knows when to just let me throw my pity party… He knows WE made a lot of mistakes 365 days ago.. But now on day 366… I’m happy… I would personally send every woman that my husband dealt with fruit cakes but that would be tacky…lol..

We won’t bring the past up.. (yeah let’s pray about that there)… And we won’t let trash from the past find it’s way into our lives… It’s trash when we come across it… throw it away again… it will always be just that trash……

366 The start of new…