Mochalight's space

Happy New Year!!!

I know I’m 8 days late, but I’ve been busy.. It has taken me 8 days to figure out what most declare on the 31^st.  I have never done resolutions.  A resolution is something that you make when making simple changes hasn’t worked.  Or when you’ve done something, and it bites you in the ass so you decide to quit doing it…on the 31^st.  It takes me a couple of days to just back and say ok where am I going this year. 

Last year

Disclaimer:  These statements are about me… it in no way is meant to cast a shadow on my better half …lol..

I was Newly married and had no clue what the year would bring, hell I wasn’t steering it.  I think I was in lala land looking out a window, and my car just happened to stay in the street…  A lot of things happened that I wish wouldn’t have.  I LEARNED a hell of a lot in my 1^st year in marriage.  I found myself towards the middle of the year and realized that just because I was NEW doesn’t mean I needed to be lead by the hand.  Sometimes, when something is so new and so uninhibited, you tend to automatically take the passenger seat especially when the driver has driven on that road before.  You take that drivers opinions of that road and you adjust yourself to what is “natural”.  Instead of taking the wheel and just driving, I found myself questioning every movement as if it were wrong.  Even if it felt right…..

If you have followed me for awhile, you KNOW I love analogies… it makes things simple.  And if you know me you know I like simple.  NO ONE reads the manual to a car or new phone when they get it… We just cut “it” on.. and we try and figure “it” out ourselves…and based on the past or what we remember others doing we pretty much guess on what to do and what not to do… We all know where the manual is, we all know right and wrong way of doing things… the only time we go to a manual is when “it” breaks or does something abnormal… Now two things can happen when “it” malfunctions… You can say oh well and get a new one…. Even though you’ve invested time, emotion, energy, and money into “it”…. Or you fix “it”…. My air bag went off…my phone refused to send signals…lol… and…Well I had to go to the manual… my personality is one that I hate failure..I like being able to show that I managed to keep something working.

Example:   I have a 97 Grand Jeep Cherokee.. body is in good condition… inside looks brand new… because I put work into it… it runs smooth…  one morning it wouldn’t start.. transmission was gone… now everyone around me had newer cars, and of course car notes… so the minute they heard me say I needed a new transmission they said… you should save that $3000 and use it as a down payment on a new car… you have great credit… that’s what I would do… Not once thinking 11yrs still looks like new… first major problem ever had… fix it…

Anyway… I had some old ways that I brought into my new life… I have a habit of shutting down when ever I feel like it…I go into my own little world and shutting everyone else out… When I was told that these old ways weren’t healthy in my marriage… my defenses went up and my stubborn nature took over… and I basically ignored the problem… Bad Idea I know that NOW… I’m not ashamed to say that I didn’t feel communication was that important in marriage.. Especially when I felt like that’s the only part of me I could control…  What I learned is that marriage isn’t about controlling the other person.  It’s about adapting and merging… coinciding and evolving…nurturing and protecting… loving and communicating… BUT… it’s also about being able to keep ones identity… If you can’t be yourself.. you definitely can’t be happy… So after reading the manual… I realized a lot about myself… and a lot about my marriage… I found out what makes me happy and that just because you’ve been on a road before doesn’t mean the experience will be the same the second time… I’ve said it before I felt like the beginning of my marriage I was quoting one of Shakespeare’s plays…Screaming “Out damn spot out”… No matter how much you want to rid yourself of the past… it is what it is… the past… you can paint over it… you can out perform it… you can not speak of it… it will always be part of you… The easiest way to control it… is acknowledging… understanding.. and over looking… it… and continue living…

Don’t get me I’m not blaming the driver.  It’s natural to avoid bumps that you’ve felt before, to not allow short cuts because of past mishaps, or to disregard new directions because they may seem unfamiliar.  It’s quite natural to try to stay two steps ahead of what made you fail the first time… I think this year WE realized that it’s a lesson… We have learned from mistakes and now we live…

This Year

I am continuing the stride I started.  I will not let 08 determine my life in 09… I openly would like to experience new problems… I encourage new fights… I look forward to new outcomes… I acknowledge that the past will resurface at the most unpredictable times… I understand that no one has control over this… I enjoy the fact that Katt Williams said if I had haters I’m doing something right… I willingly admit I have the greatest husband in the world.. and…. I welcome all jealousy… Hi Haters..

Peace.. and Love…

Yes...

and at first it was innocent tweets… I thought I could control myself… you know balance the two.. well four.. I know I’m a social whore.. I love new networks… and even though I have stretched myself thin… I still stay with you.. You were loyal to me.. I wrote my first blog here.. but.. It’s so addicting… the way I can just say what I feel…and instantly.. there’s a response… The fact that I talked to MCHammer, Qtip, Quest, and Luda is amazing… Vibe and Essence… I just can’t stop… and as much as I miss you.. I’m infatuated with it… Oh twitter… you have me… LMAO!!!

I promise to blog more but honestly I’ve been caught up twittering… If you haven’t joined join… it’s fun and addicting… oh and add meJ

http://www.twitter.com/mochalight

Hell to the Naw... So I watched Cadillac Records this weekend.  It is actually a decent movie.  I believe every character played the hell out of their parts… except Beyonce.  I’m sorry they could have found someone else to play Etta… And to say that this woman is Oscar Worthy…ha ha ha… Because she said “Cum Stains” and “Fuck” a lot… Nooo She is far from an Oscar worthy actress… I heard she put money behind this movie… Also heard Etta wasn’t to pleased with Beyonce playin her..

Sista Etta was a thickin… not what people call Beyonce now… That’s not thick…sorry.. I mean so yeah Beyonce is light skinned and you let her eye brows grow out… don’t mean she’s Etta… And the point of playing somebody else in a movie… you’re suppose to sound like that person… When Jamie played Ray… you heard Ray… Somebody should tell Beyonce that..

I love Lil Walter..lol… He reminded me of a throw back Mystical…lmao!!!! All in all it’s a good lil flick.. But all this BS about Beyonce being Oscar worthy…it’s just that BS!!!